I’m teaching my boys to leave the toilet seat up so there’s no pee on it when I put it down. Everything is a lie and life is a bad dream.
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me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
Frankly, my stomach would constantly be hurting if I was ever on love island because what you mean our kiss meant nothing. What you mean I have to watch you get to know other people right in front of my salad. What. Do. You. Mean.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
*flipping through the cheesecake factory menu*
i love re-reading my favorite book
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Why is it called a “prison compound” and not a “guilt complex”?
H: Are you a beer drinker or a wine drinker?
Me: … … … Yes.
Doctor’s office: You’re overdue for a physical.
Me: Ok.
Dr: We recommend you getting one as soon as possible.
Me: Do I have to?
Dr: You really should get one ASAP.
Me: Ok. Fine. Schedule me for one.
Dr: The earliest appointment we have is 6 months from now.
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
You didn’t have to say “he’s a male nurse.” When you said ‘he’ my psychic ability of gender discernment kicked in.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Sorry, but that was only my favorite food in the world BEFORE you bought 5 cases of it at Costco.
-Kids
houseplants b like due to personal reasons i will be passing away…
Me: “Aw, your baby is cute. How old?”
Woman: “Thanks, she’s 34 weeks. Do you have the time?”
Me: “Sure, it’s 972 minutes past midnight.”
I put construction worker experience on my resume because I’ve done build a bear several times.
Just thinking up snappy comebacks to painful conversations I had 22 years ago. What are YOU doing?
[Hospital]
Doctor:”…and so the baby is fine.”
Me:”And my wife?”
Doc:”I’m afraid she’s critical”
Me:”I know! But how is she?”
Me: I’m not saying I hate your voice, but when you start talking, I understand the way dogs feel about fireworks. *howls*
Co-worker:
My dad, a beekeeper, and my mum, an aviarist: we need to talk
Me: what about
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Just heard a dad threaten to spank his screaming son “in front of the world.” Stand your ground, kid. There’s no way he has that technology.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”