I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
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Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked.
Me: like finding out the person you’re talking to in your DM’s is actually single.
Waiter: I’ll ask the chef if we can prepare it that rare.
When you’re cutting wrapping paper and your scissors start to glide is what I imagine heroin feels like.
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
LOGIC: Obviously, the end of the week is the “weekend”
CALENDARS:
What if I offe
red you ano
ther idea of what “week
end” means?
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
The Vatican just deleted all the Pope’s tweets. Because NO ONE denies reality like the Catholic Church.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
Castro: I will not die until America is destroyed
Trump: I’m gonna be the president
Castro: well then
honestly if it were raining men I would not hallelujah
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
Teamwork makes the dream work.
My daughter wants to be really scary this Halloween so instead of a costume she is going to carry a school fundraising packet to every door.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
Me: I’m going to eat healthy from now on
Pizza: *exists*
Me: never mind
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.