If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
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I’m giving up for Lent.
Neighbor: What are you doing?
Me: Jesus Christ, Bob…what does it look like I’m doing?
Neighbor: …urinating on my mailbox
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
<—- homeless romantic
2020: Tidepods ‘the sequel’
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Humans are 58% water. Jellyfish are 95% water. Therefore, humans are 61% jellyfish.
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Me: Great.
*later*
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
“You couldn’t handle me at my worst”
OMG, you mean this isn’t it.
And that’s how the fight started.
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
I couldn’t remember the term “hazmat suit,” so I called it a “science burqa.”
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol