One time I accidentally listened to a John Mayer song & spontaneously generated 2 thumb rings before it was over.
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My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Give a man a fish and he will think, “what a creepy gift.”
Teach a man to fish and he will think, “My god, I have never known such boredom.”
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
[interviewing Matt Damon]
Matt: Well, in this movie I play-
Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[vacuuming]
Pick up your feet please.
Kid on sofa: No!
Ok *sucks kid into vacuum feet first*
*turns to next kid* Pick up your feet please.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
Hell hath no fury like a 4-year-old presented with a plate of chicken nuggets after they asked for chicken nuggets.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore