Someday you’ll wake up with Mark Zuckerberg in your bed because you neglected to uncheck a box.
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When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
[first date]
HER: I like a man who can show his true feelings.
ME: *leans in close* I don’t care what you like.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
Before gunpowder, entire wars were fought with nothing but pinecones and latent rage.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
That moment when you cut into a seedless watermelon and find out it’s only allegedly seedless
Attn Christian Parents: the band Kiss may sound innocent but their name is short for KISSING
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
HER: *making sexy eyes* did you just get back from the gym
ME: *sweating and out of breath from carrying groceries up the stairs* yes
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active
Cats always land on their feet & bread always lands butter down, but spread butter on the cat’s back & everyone wonders why you’re naked.
[SyFy pitch meeting]
Me: A hurricane of cats! PURRICANE!
Producer: Hmmm
Me: A tidal wave of cows! MOONAMI!
Producer: I’m gonna say no
Me: An earthquake of ducks! EARTHQUACK!
Producer: Please leave
Me: *being dragged out by security* FLYPHOOOooon
Wife: I told you to dress our daughter in her purple shirt.
Me: I did.
Wife: That’s mauve.
I hate it when she makes up words.
alcohol soaked fruit is still considered fruit though right
When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Lost my Thesaurus. Gutted. Really gutted. Like absolutely gutted.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Morning school bus was 8 minutes late so [leaves 1-star Yelp review]