I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
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Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.
Not having a date on Valentine’s Day doesn’t really worry me…
It’s those 364 other date-less days that are causing me a bit of concern.
Yes, Kiddo drank her carrot juice, if by “drank,” we mean surreptitiously pouring it into my Boston fern.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I’m at the point in my life where my favorite Mexican restaurant is based solely on how big the margaritas are.
Whenever I need a few more minutes to get ready, I walk into the living room and say “My dad has that same shirt ” and then watch my husband’s head explode.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Education is vital
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Take a look at trending topics and you’ll realize why they have to write “do not eat” on dry silica packets.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
I just released a new fragrance, and the people on this elevator are not happy about it.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*