I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
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“Sorry I’m late”
Why are there scratches all over your face?
“Jujitsu training”
You can scratch in jujitsu?
“It’s my cat’s best move”
My dad’s visiting soon, which means I need to practice apologizing to waiters with my eyes.
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
Unroll wrapping paper.
Shoo cat away
Turn to get gift
Shoo cat away
Get tape
Dammit cat
Get tape
Wrap up cat
Wrap up gift
Pet cat
God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
Please enjoy this video of a baby eating queso for the first time
my mom when anyone would walk on the carpet she just vacuumed
Me: I’m not paranoid.
Also me: Why are all my targeted ads from dreams I had last night?
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote you can be distant and vague?
ME: *staring out the window* Idk, maybe.
time machine? you mean a clock?
HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”
The letter R is just the letter P showing off some leg.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
[driving]
ME: omg i need to go to the bathroom really badly
WIFE: ok we’re almost home
ME [panicking]: no, pull over to that mcdonalds!
[i run in]
ME: gimme two big macs fast, i gotta get home to pee
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
Just found empty bags of goldfish and Cheetos under my girls’ bunk bed and I told them I was disappointed that this was the best hiding place they could come up with.