@LunchJournals: "I'm a big fan of 50 cent. Or as he's known in Zimbabwe: four hundred million dollars."
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@fro_vo: [Date] Me: how about a drink? get whatever floats your boat Her: thanks! i'll have a mai tai Me: *glaring* you float a boat with water karen
@daemonic3: [spelling bee] Judge: Your word is McConaughey McConaughey. M-C-C-O-N-A-U-G-H-E-Y, McConaughey. Did I get it? Judge: We have no idea
@AaronFullerton: 1938: "It's a bird!" "It's a plane!" "It's... Superman!" 2013: "Is that a drone?" "Yeah, it's probably a drone."
@CornOnTheGoblin: [at my funeral] ventriloquist: please don't judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this me: hi everybody!