[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
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My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Someone stole my identity yesterday and opened a bunch of accounts in my name, including a sports betting account where he won like hundreds of dollars. today I closed the account and collected all of that money. Getting your identity stolen rules!!!
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
[speed dating]
HER: I’m a real planner. I like people who plan ahead.
ME: *trying to impress her* I’m already wearing a condom
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Faces YOU Make ON The Toilet lol (o_o) (>_<) (0_0) (^_^)
Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.
[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
*seductively eats two tums*
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends, into what?”
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
[house hunting]
Friend: *hurls spear into vinyl siding*
GOT ONE!Me: *hacking at brick siding w/ sword*
GET OVER HERE AND HELP ME!