“I’m soooo tired!”
[lays down in bed]
“I’m soooo comfortable!”
Bladder: Sup bro
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Make a horror film less scary by putting old timey words in the title, i.e. The Thingamabob, Jason Goes To Heck or The Hills Have Peepers.
I don’t care your religion, sexual preference or politics, if you’re a respectful person, I’ve have a drink with you…
Them: Great, I’ll order a decaf
Me: Get the hell out of my sight!
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
‘Hey look, hot dogs!’
Dogs: *blush* omg thanks
Adulthood is like the vet, and we’re all the dogs that were excited for the car ride until we realized where we’re going.
I’d be that girl in the movies that can’t successfully hide from the killer because my stomach growls.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
*reads list of assassin targets*
“Eggs, milk…what the-”
[CUT TO] *wife at store looking desperately for North Korean nuclear physicist*
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Must be a very worrying time for anyone who has dumped a body in a reservoir.
Me, before kids: my kids will not spend their time on electronics.
Me, after kids: iPad is your mom now.
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I made a list of the top 10 most popular wordplay jokes, to see if any of them actually made me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Trick-or-Treaters don’t like it when you offer them a healthier alternative to sweets, like an old wardrobe I want rid of.
Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”