College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
You Might Also Like
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
First rule of Botox club:
Nobody look surprised when someone new joins.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
Bon Jovi is French for Good Jovi.
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
If babies named Todd don’t call themselves “The Toddler” then what’s the point of having a douchebag baby name like Todd?
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
I needed some gas for my mower so I snuck over to my neighbor’s shed, on the gas can there was a note that said it’s empty go get your own gas Marc. So I took his mower instead.
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
People who text me, “OMG GUESS WHAT?,” vastly overestimate my level of interest in anything they have to say.
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
I love birthdays! My boyfriend rented a special hotel room for us to fight in.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it