@PeachyPixel8: Coming Soon Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold *cue explosion* PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN *fade to black*

@LeviathanPride: Made a friend today. Well, I knocked on my window when a guy walked past my house. I'll name him Terry.

@ojedge: [Blackstreet Bakery] Me: [watching the baker kneading dough] "I love the way you work it" Baker: "No diggity?" Me: "Baguette up."

@funflaps: [portrait studio] ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw ME: How much to draw me from the side? ARTIST: That'll cost you an arm and a leg

@Lovepink1120124: Dang I didn't make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row