@shutupmikeginn: I'm a club photographer, I take pictures at the club and people pay me to delete them
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@sacca: Anyone who says "Let's all put our phones down and talk with each other," is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
@shalaylaa: Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
@LifeStricken: [Job Interview] HR : What do you consider your biggest weakness? Me : (pulls out machete) *whispers under my breath "I can't forgive people"
@Thomas_Lull: Life is like a box of condoms. If you don't use one, you never know what you're goin get.