@daemonic3: Cop: Know why I pulled you over? I'm in a High Occupancy lane Cop: Yes...wait IS THAT A JOINT? Yeah I'm HIGH lol Cop: My bad, free to go

@just1fool: Always go into an interview high so they'll never be able to tell the difference in the future.

@katiefzack: Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, "If I'm alive by then," and hang up.

@Tmoney68: I've GOT to get a life stenographer. It'd be great to say, "Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand."

@ShawnIzadi: Meiosis is still a better love story than Twilight.