Why do I have all these cookie pans. I don’t even bake.
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I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
account balance: $1400
me at wendy’s: show me the square cows
No one EVER looks surprised when you tell them you cut your own hair.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
*falls down a well*
*Lassie runs to the edge and peers down*
*me, yelling* TELL NO ONE, YOU BLABBERMOUTH DOG, I LIVE HERE NOW
Freak your cat out by running in the room, stopping abruptly to lick yourself and then running back out again.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Teacher: Thanks getting here at such short notice. It’s about your son.
Me: Clive? What’s he done?
Teacher: Well, he said to another boy in class that “My dad could beat up your dad” and-
Me: What is going on?
Teacher: We are going to find out. This is Mr Smith.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
[being murdered]
Mailman: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
My Dog: if only someone had indicated on multiple occasions that the mailman was bad OH WAIT
[bean naming]
Angel: okay, this one?
God: it’s black, so black bean
A: and this?
G: lol that looks like a kidney— kidney bean!
A: k, and this one?
G (giggling): GARBANZOOOOOoooooo!!
A: … dude, you alright?
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
😎 🍻
Son: Why doesn’t my sister have to tidy up?
Me: She’s a week old!
Son: You’re weak and old too but you manage!
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Blues songs are about being sad, which is why so many of them begin with “I woke up this morning.”
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad