“I’M A DOG!”
“I’M A DOG TOO!”
“WE’RE DOGS!”
– dogs
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Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
Are Millennials Destroying My Wife’s Favorite Lamp I Don’t Know How They Got in Either but I Definitely Wasn’t Practicing Karate in the Living Room so We Know It Wasn’t That
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
I don’t understand people who don’t have kids. Imagine having absolutely nobody to blame when you’re late.
[Preparing for a heist]
Boss: Whoa! You brought in new guys? They aint gonna squeal are they?
Me *with a gang of doves*: Naw man, they coo
[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
My wife has just come home and asked how things went with the baby. Now in mild panic mode as I thought she took the baby along with her
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
I have entirely too many new bruises for someone who isn’t getting laid
[boss starts giggling uncontrollably during his presentation as I tickle a voodoo doll]
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
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Do you need to get a gift for your wife that requires no thought, but also dies in 4 days?
Why is my kid asking me to play go fish like I didn’t birth her a twin and a brother for this exact reason?