Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
You Might Also Like
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
I’m gonna keep wearing a mask after this pandemic is over. I can’t go back to worrying about how my breath smells like Doritos and garlic and coffee.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Just saw a guy wearing “Eclipse 2024 Volunteer” t shirt. Holy shit dude. That was you up there ?
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
“How do you speak with an American accent?”
“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
My cat jumped off me unexpectedly, so I get it, Europe. I get it.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
I think it’s only called hoarding when you’re poor.
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
[Firing squad]
Sergeant: Blindfold?
Me: You promi—
Sergeant: Yes, yes, I promise nobody will tickle you
Many people that appear “cool” actually struggle with feelings of inadequacy. Not me. I have those feelings without appearing cool at all.
imagine teaching an egg cooking class and finding out you have a student named shelly