I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
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Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
[wife yelling in waterpark]
“BRENT SOMEONE IS STEALING THE CAR”
[top of huge slide] K IM STILL GONNA TAKE THE SLIDE DOWN CUZ IT’ll BE FASTER
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
[first date]
-so how do you feel about octopus?
Her: I like em
-Whew! [lets other six arms fall out of shirt]
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
ME: sorry for the hold-up
TELLER: but you didn’t make me wait?
ME: *pulling a gun* haha no I’m Canadian
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Tom Cruise does all of his own stunts because death is the only way out of the Church of Scientology.
Every work meeting this week
🍞🦆
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
accurate
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
I show extra confidence at a job interview by giving a firm handshake before and after every question.
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
Top three perverts that see you when you’re sleeping:
1. Santa.
2. God.
3. NSA.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Sorry. Not sorry
My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol