Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
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Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
A Florida police dog is being fired after biting two people; but to be fair, who wouldn’t want to hurt people from Florida?
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
4: *tells me a loooong rambling story about school*
Me: *asks her ONE follow up question*
4: don’t want to talk about it anymore
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
I keep having to put away a lot of shoes for a family who hasn’t gone anywhere in 7 weeks.
[Leaving office]
BOSS: I’m gonna work on my car this weekendME: Wow *shakes head* you really should consider getting a desk
*drops an avocado in the offering basket at church*
Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I put energy drinks in the hummingbird feeder. It’s for science.
what’s really going on
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
We need a dating app where you can just get directly to the point. Like hey, you think I’m cute? Do you wanna abandon society & go live in the mountains so we can train a small army of raccoons to shoplift for us when the apocalypse finally happens? No? Then don’t waste my time.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
When folding laundry, I don’t like to match my socks. I put them in there willy nilly and let them find their own mate. This isn’t the 1800s
I told my daughter we might be getting a blizzard and she asked for one with Reese’s pieces
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me: