“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
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I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
Let’s call wedding invitations what they are; a bill.
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
I found a five dollar bill in the laundry and my credit rating went up 12 points.
[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
Blackberry users thought of making a joke abt the Apple-Samsung battle, but before they cud tweet thr phone hanged n battery drained out
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
[inventing the knife] What if a stick was mad
Pro-tip: instead of telling a woman she looks tired, make her day by saying literally anything else
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
For a very modest fee, I will dress as a clown and stand in your garden. If you pay me more, I won’t do that.
boy pyromaniac: *starts first fire*
Dad pyromaniac: “im so prou-”
Mom pyromaniac: “dont say it!”
Dad pyromaniac: “im so proud of arson”
THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS TO ALL THE BROS ON INSTAGRAM WHO CAN’T AFFORD SHIRTS
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
OPPONENT: I’m gonna mop the floor with you!
ME: Thanks I could really use the help
[seeing random coworker at the supermarket] oh hey what’s up! i didn’t know you liked groceries
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”