@Breadery: "I'm a huge fan." - Peacocks
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@XplodingUnicorn: [terrible nursing home] Old guy: How did you end up here? Elderly me: I made my kids steak instead of hot dogs. Him: *gasps* You monster.
@karlainvt: Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
@Kennedydp5: I couldn't remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
@Elizasoul80: I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone's life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.