The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
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Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
This could’ve been an email.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
The two types of wives
when you’re having a great time with your new toy but then find out it’s not for you
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
I may not be much of an athlete these days but I can sure as shit jump 6 feet in the air when a spider runs out by my feet.
My family’s superpower is filling the recycle bin within 5 minutes of me emptying it.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
never staying in an air bnb again. this couple from colorado is taking me to small claims court because i accidentally opened a portal to hell in their basement
“The library computer is down, can you fix it?”
“What’s not working for you?”
“I can’t get to Facebook.”
“Oh, yeah, I think I heard that Facebook is down.”
“So can you fix it?”
“I mean it’s not a library thing, it’s down everywhere.”
“…So are you not gonna fix it?”
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Pikachu found the lost joint
the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
EXECUTIONER: Any last words?
ME: I’m wearing women’s panties.
EXECUTIONER: I meant from the prisoner, Dave.
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.