I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.
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Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
I hate when people ask me HOW I am doing as if I KNOW THE ANSWER?!
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Overall productive day..
*Ordered Batman boxer briefs & matching knee socks
*Called my mom
*Bought an Xbox game, & a goat, on Craigslist
JUDGE: Mr. Cash, you’re charged with speeding. How do you plead
JOHNNY CASH: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
JUDGE: Jesus Christ
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
[Me as an Italian language translator]
Police: Ask him where the money is hidden.Me: Spaghetti tortellini Benghazi Fibonacci cappuccino.
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
there are three types of writers;
1) those who plot their books
2) those who discover their plot along the way
3) those who know what will happen but their book is a bit feral still, needs a bath, has bitten and will bite again
[In car, headed to store]
7: What’s wrong, Mommy?
Me: *scratching* When I got my hair cut earlier, some little pieces fell down my back, in my shirt, and they’re itching me now.
[20 minutes later, in crowded Target]
Me: *scratches*
7: MOMMY, IS YOUR BACK HAIR ITCHING AGAIN?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
You can’t scare me, I grew up on ‘80s horror movies and still took a job as a camp counselor on a lake.
I wanted to look sharp!
Wore my smarty pants & thinking cap.
Then, I lost my shirt & knocked my socks off…
Now, I look like an idiom.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
Things are finally coming to a head.
~inspirational zit
Are sharks attracted to or repelled by pickles? I need to pack my beach cooler just right.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.
Fluff me with a fork baby
Woman: Does Viagra work?
Pharmacist: Yes
Woman: Can you get it over the counter?
Pharmacist: Yes if I take two!
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?