I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
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If you see a distressed woman in the mall screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
When you win a game of monopoly the owner of Hasbro shows up to hand you back the last 36 hours of your life.
*Hello this is your pilot speaking, we still have about 9 hours in the air so let me entertain you folks reading you some of my tweets*
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Childless friend: “My kid will NEVER -”
Me: [Dabs her mouth with toilet paper]
Her: What are you doing!?
Me: You just have a little bit of bullshit coming out of your mouth right now.
[looking up at night sky]
Girl: The Milky Way and Mars have always fascinated me.
Boy: *trying to impress* Yes, and I also enjoy Snickers.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
“Hindsight is 2020” will be a literal phrase when future generations want a guide of what not to do
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
My parents let me watch Grease constantly when I was a kid & then they were all, whoa why is our teenager always super drunk in tight pants?
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
I let friend’s kid call my ex & say “Are you really my daddy?” while I’m in the background yelling “hang up the phone,he doesn’t want you!”
RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Praying for telemarketers to call so I can experience human contact as I slowly dissolve into dust
shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!
fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot
remembering the time i crashed an oscar watching party with a handful of TV people in los feliz and brought a tres leches cake as my offering to have one of the actors stand up and declare it was “DAIRY” with a measure of disgust
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.