I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
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[watching Olympic Figure Skating]
Me: HOLY CRAP!!! THAT ROUTINE WAS INCREDIBLE!!!
T.V. Announcer Johnny Weir: it’s obvious to everyone how awful that routine was
Me: oh
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
You can tell how single I am by the way my cat and dog wear their sombreros with quiet dignity and acceptance.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Fill in the blank song lyric “You are always on my __________”…
Wrong answers only !
Me: Dad, how did you guys manage without WhatsApp and SMS ??
Dad: We used to keep useless information to ourselves.
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
Shrek is a nye movie because the years start coming and they simply do not stop coming
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
“Wow, Dad, you had two beers and then ANOTHER ONE?!”
– My 3yo, auditioning for a new family.
5yo after licking my face: “Sorry. My mouth meant to kiss you but my brain told me to lick you.”
COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Cop: have you been drinking?
Stork: no
Cop: please step out of the vehicle and stand on one leg
Stork: you have no idea who you’re dealing with
You look like you would fail a DNA test
If you date a guy long enough he’ll start to sound like your dad when you were in junior high:
“Have fun! Be safe! Call me when you get there! Don’t talk to boys!”
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
‘What just cracked?’
A guide to aging.