I’m a low maintenance girlfriend. Just bring me a bouquet of cats.
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Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
Heard someone explaining how to close a bag of chips and now all I can think about is who doesn’t finish an entire bag of chips after opening it?
*a colony of zombies ripping human skulls open & eating brain. Off to the side, a French zombie fries brains in butter with aioli trempette
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
There is no greater lie than “if you tell the truth, I won’t get mad.”
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
how to exercise your calf muscles
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Watching Grey’s Anatomy teaches me that if I’m really sad, I should walk slowly down a corridor to a Snow Patrol track.
Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I had enough of telling my kids to put their shoes on 487543 times before school so I set an alarm on Alexa to remind them every minute for 20 minutes and now Alexa’s drinking wine straight from the bottle sobbing about how she used to be something
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
Julius Caesar was born with a silver spoon in his mouth and died with a whole bunch of cutlery in his back.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
new shirt idea
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
To add insult to injury illiterate is hard to spell.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess