Hi. My name is Paul. I have a PhD and tenure. Today I decided to test if a bottle of super glue was open by squirting it into my hand.
Then I tried to clean my hand by wiping it on a box.
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*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Mom Math:
If Child A has 2 scoops of ice cream in his bowl, and child B has 1 3/4 scoops, how many days will Mom have to hear about it?
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
[Garden of Eden]
Adam: [petting the first dog] I’m gonna call you Man’s best friend
Eve: I thought I was your best friend?
Adam: I love you
Eve: aww I love you too
Adam: oh…I was still talking to the dog
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
“So what do you do?”
I’m a wordsmith
“A what?”
A writer. I deal with words. How about you?
“Oh I’m a uh… weedsmith”
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
Cop: Could I have your name?
Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.
*Send Bail Money*
rapatouille
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
american computer: would u like to enable cookies
british computer: alroyt mate do u want biscuits on yer laptop innit bruv
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp