How come when everyone else heats up sugar they get caramel and I get a higher fire insurance premium?
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any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
God: I’m calling this a horse
Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!
God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Last night my husband complained that my American Chop Suey was dry so tonight I’m making him my favorite, Nothing Casserole.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Me: it’s bed time!
My kids: PARKOUR!
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
I’m at my sexiest when I choke on rice and a piece gets lodged at the back of my nose and I’m snorting and sniffing and blowing to try and dislodge it.
me (putting a $10 bill on the bar): surprise me
bartender: no
me: … excuse me?
bartender (taking my money): you want anything else
To the person crowding me in the checkout line, do you want a hug .. ’cause if you get any closer, I’m gonna assume you do and give you one.
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
Yes my dude
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
My Dad: So then you just like *smushing together a bird stuffed animal and a bee stuffed animal while making kissy noises*
Me: OK, got it. They’re all waiting, can I go get married now?
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
This made me laugh more than it should’ve 😭
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue