girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
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A facial recognition program, but one that matches your Tupperware container to its lid.
me: [flips over]
my bed: ah the cool side of the person
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
I remember when Dulux were just a small company selling paint brushes. Now they’re hue mongers!
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
My son went over to a friend’s house & his Mom asked when we wanted him home. From her expression I think she was expecting a time, not day.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
Me in my 20s: I’m never gonna turn into my dad.
Me in my 30s: WHO LEFT ALL THE LIGHTS ON DO YOU THINK I’M MADE OF MONEY
Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
if you love something, set it free. If it immediately bites your throat and drags you up a tree, you love a leopard and should try to escape
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
Intelligence is the new cleavage
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I’m so old I thought “stfu” was a reminder to pack my “shoes, tie, fedora, underpants.”
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
Apparently, I have to go to the pet store because my wife is angry that I put the wrong gold fish in my kid’s packed lunch.
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
My time has come.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.