I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
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Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
“My wife’s just made me breakfast using the hot bread cooky thing.”
“Toaster?”
“Ladies and gentlemen, to my wife!”
“Get out”.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
[Commercial for Disneyland]
Are you sunburnt and broke? Want to?
[Murderer breaks into my house]
Murderer: “Alexa, play sinister music.”
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Your baby’s cute. Not baby elephant cute, but still cute.
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor
her: I like a confident man
me *maintaining eye contact*: worcestershire
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
I’m tired tomorrow.
After Michael Jordan joined a religious order, he was known as Air Friar.
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[Haunted house]
Cardiologist: my heart’s racing
Anaesthetist: i feel nothing
Neurologist: {shaking}
Immunologist: it’s so dusty
Pulmonologist: {breathing heavy}
Orthodontist: {grinding teeth}
Optometrist: see that?
Proctologist: guys…{from top, first letter of each occupation}
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…