@PyrBliss: I'm a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
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@soandrewyang: *at funeral* ME: I know how you feel FRIEND: Dont bring up the time you only got yel-- ME: One time I only got yellows in my Starburst pack
@Kneevyl: If it weren't for dating sites, I'd still have some self-esteem. Thank God, it's all gone now.
@lisaxy424: I'm going to bed and my hair looks amazing; I feel like the woman in every mattress commercial.
@heytherecore: [Dinner with GF's parents] Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom? "MAY I use the bathroom" *slams fists down* I ASKED FIRST