I’m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
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Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
“omg you’re covered in blood! are you ok?”
[cut to me blending a tomato but I cant get the lid on properly]
you should see the other guy
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Oh, lord. I brought my mouth with me to work today and it’s all sass. Prayers, please.
When they try to steal your moment.
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
My daughter has so many outfit changes I shoulda named her Lady Gaga.
Thought for the day:
Shouldn’t you really have more than one thought each day?
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Me: I only wanted a little mayo! I can’t eat this!
Him: Does it matter that much?
Me: Well, would you like me to stab you a little or a lot?
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I never move faster than when I dive into bed, so my husband has to turn off all the lights and lock the front door.
took a DNA test and found out all my ancestors were also tired
Freezing cake does not impede eating.
Stiff calories are still delicious.
Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.
Whenever I babysit I wear a wig. When the parents leave I cut off 90% of my hair. I tell the kids if they don’t behave, they’re next.
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre