@PyrBliss: I'm a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
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@RandomManik: I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, "Chivalry is Dead". I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know. He wasn't even trending on Twitter".
@sixfootcandy: How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, no matter what they are, yell out "Oh come on. Even I've done THAT!"
@novicefather: her: I have this weird fantasy where my man shaves me while I sleep me: k her: *wakes up with no eyebrows
@daemonic3: Everyone, meet our new baby, Lucian "Aww, what a nice name" It's her dad's, so I picked his middle name "What is it?" Theskywithdiamonds