You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.
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WIFE: Were you harassing that old gypsy woman again?
ME: *fighting off a crow* Of course not!
WIFE: You lying to me?
ME: No.
*rains frogs*
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
Today is national pet day. There is no touching of people in national pet day. I know this now.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
Jealousy is a horrible green monster.
Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.
🙁
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Last night after 6 pegs though I felt confident to drive I acted responsibly and called an Uber.
But before I could board my wife came running and took me back home.
Guy: I don’t deserve you.
Girl: Awwwww…you’re so sweet…
Guy: I don’t mean that in a good way.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
Marriage only works when both partners listen. Not to each other; god that would be horrible advice.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
10 out of 8 mathematicians recommend improper fractions.
Put some whiskey in my coffee because it’s Ireland somewhere.
I had a really fun date last night but when I went back to his place he had like an unsettling number of beanbag chairs? Approximately 7? Just isn’t sitting right.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety