You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
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I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
“Is that old Chinese food in the trash? There’s Q-tips in there too? AND a bag of my poop? This is gonna be so good!”
–dogs
My husband just came back from shopping all frisky and I know it’s not me, it’s Home Depot
There are 7 members of Maroon 5 and now I can’t trust anything anymore
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
“Cu Later!” – a guy who wants some Copper, but not right now.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Badger: I’m your Guardian Angel
Me: A badger?
B: They ran out of good ones
M: ..K
*I walk toward an oncoming car*
*Badger tears my face off*
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person