I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
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You say “leftover bacon” like I’m supposed to know what that is…
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
If you have to wait a while to get a fast food order, say, “I thought this was FAST food.” The place will never recover from that mega burn
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
Buying a life insurance policy is best way to pretend that you have a life.
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
I read an entire book on my 5 hour flight because I decided not to pay for wifi and now I’m wondering what diseases I could cure if I just gave up on the internet entirely
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
A corn maze, because the only thing worse than trying to get kids to eat vegetables is trying to get them to walk endlessly through vegetables.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
One of the reasons I had to retire early is because I ran out family members that died excuses for not coming in to work.
somebody come look at this
At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.