[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
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i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
“DOUG YOU’RE THE NEXT CONTESTANT ON THE PRICE IS RIGHT!”
[camera pans to me struggling with Doug for his name tag]
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Her: I want you to wreck my guts
Me: *undercooks her chicken*
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
When I was 15, I decided I was not going to be a grumpy old man when I grew up
I’m 55 now and I’m mad at cucumbers
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Just because I have breast implants doesn’t make me a slut. Being a slut makes me a slut.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
PRINCIPAL: Your father needs to speak to you urgently
SON: Oh my god what’s wrong
ME: I think your mother gave you my oreo thins by mistake
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
bout dat hot dog summer
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
Don’t mess with me; I’ll throw a semicolon in just to discombobulate you.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl