I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
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The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Parenting is basically telling your kids they need to eat more fruit then telling them to quit eating all the fruit.
“In my years of practice I’ve done the same man’s divorce 3 times, twice from the same wife.”
New client, “So you’re saying there’s hope?”
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
don’t ask me explain this but a golden retriever is like the 1990s in dog form
Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
ME: Ed is coming over
WIFE: Ed who always talks about marathons or Ed who just blurts out country names?
ED: Iran
ME: I’m not sure
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
I’m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose “baby weight” is to have the baby.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Me blacking out when I’m drunk is God’s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.