@weismanjake: I'm a vegetarian and when people say to me "you know Hitler was also a vegetarian" it always reminds me how many Jews I've been killing
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@ArfMeasures: [Bar] HER: I want to have sex so badly ME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
@The1WhosCrazy: "MEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH THE GREEKS & MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL" "Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse" "Oh rad bring it in"
@TheAlexNevil: Death: You'll see me eventually. Me: Or *will* I? D: Uh, yes, you absolutely will. I've got you scheduled. M: Or "do" you? D: Stop that.
@stewnami: I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.