@weismanjake: I'm a vegetarian and when people say to me "you know Hitler was also a vegetarian" it always reminds me how many Jews I've been killing
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@iamspacegirl: CAMPING Me: I hate this. The bears freak me out. Him: Babe don't be silly. [later] Bear, textin from right outside my tent at 3am: u up?
@mind_numb: I'm going start wearing a cape instead of headphones to deter people from talking to me.
@Holy_Mowgli: [spelling bee] JUDGE: the word is "semicolon" ME: can you use it in a sentence? JUDGE: not really, no
@Quartzjixler: Speed dating (Don't say anything embarrassing) "So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?" (DAMMIT!)