You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
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Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
me: I call shotgun
shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My family is “sick of all the same old meals” so I’ve compiled this delicious list with all their other suggestions:
1.
2. I mean, whatever.
3.
4. No. Not that.
5.
6. I don’t really care.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.
– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”
I don’t get it.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Him: You need to ease up on always picking out the things I do wrong
Me: You make it sound like I do it all the time!
Him: Even when I’m doing good, you have to find a mista…
Me: “Well”…when you’re doing “well”
Him:
Me: Go on…
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
doctor: what’s wrong?
me: nobody can tell the time anymore
doctor: *on the intercom* janice, we’ve got another one, cancel my 38 o’clock
“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
There’s no such thing as detoxing your body, but enjoy spending three hundred bucks on your diarrhea.
Ever since Facebook allowed images in their comments sections people only ever communicate via pictures. We’re 21st-century cavemen.
Saw a deer on my bike but didn’t have my phone to take a pic. Hopefully one day he will return my bike tho
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Look at all of these beautiful horse
“Horses”
Horse is already plural
“You’re thinking of elk”
*stares off* Holy mooses, you’re right
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters
When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
A double negative is a big no-no.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Star Wars (1st draft)
Obi Wan: These aren’t the droids you’re looking for
Stormtrooper: Yes they are
OW: No they’re nooot
S: Uh YAH they are
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.