Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
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5 walked in on sexy time last night and yelled “Mommy’s in danger” so I’m just wondering if it’s better to explain it to her teacher or just wait for the call?
ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?
*slides over pic of him with another dog*
JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
RETIRED STUNTMAN: We didn’t have fancy CGI. If the script said to drive a truck into a dinosaur, we drove a truck into a goddamn dinosaur.
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Toddlers can actually be very generous despite their reputation. Sometimes they’ll even offer you the food from out of their own mouth.
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
“Calzone” is just an Italian word to make you feel better about eating a Hot Pocket in public.
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
I really want a family
sized bag of peanut butter m&ms
ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
STOP using Halloween as an excuse to dress slutty – dress slutty every day
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
giving all the dogs in my neighborhood matching sweaters for Christmas so they can be in a gang
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why