I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.
You Might Also Like
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
U talkin 2 me?
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Titanic, but with literally thousands of cats.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
I am all good here, 😂😉
The only thing I care about is credits where it says the dog is playing themself
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water. Didn’t go down well.
NETFLIX: are your kids still watching?
ME: [clicks Continue Raising My Children]
Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
Going to couples therapy with my alibi until we make it work because I’m not giving up on this relationship.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
Very funny, think he has a bet on a horse 😂
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing