[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
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Maybe the sharks are attacking people bc they think they are made of cake
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
My twins have been coming home from school every day with big cardboard models and I’m taking this as an act of war so tomorrow I’m sending one twin with a whistle and one with a book that plays baby shark on repeat
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
I’ve had to repeat everything I’ve said to Alexa today like we’re married.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
Reasons I’m like Donald Duck:
1- Mainly white
2- Kinda fat
3- Rarely wears pants
4- Highly irritable
5- Hard to understand
6- Prisoner of the Disney Corporation
7- Genuinely confused if Goofy is a dog or what the hell
‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Me: Know any potato jokes?
My husband: What has eyes but cannot see?
My six year old: What has eyes but cannot see? A blind person. That’s so obvious.
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Weekends in your 20’s: Making rash decisions
Weekends in your 40’s: Googling rashes
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Where is your GOD now????
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist