I’m a vegetarian for the health reasons. Now pass the cheese fries.
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*scampers over to ice cream truck*
Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
She’s marrying HIM?! TODAY?!
*cut to me sprinting across town to stop the wedding but I see a good dog at the park and pet him instead*
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
5: What鈥檚 for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what鈥檚 for gross dinner?
Me: I鈥檓 having pasta but I no longer know what you鈥檒l be eating
omg my backyard is so spooky at night! the crickets, the raccoons, the old woman with no eyes in the white veil, the frogs etc
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
My daughter is crying because she can鈥檛 be a hamster.
Moves shopping cart to allow car to park
Lady doesn’t even say thanks
Puts cart back behind her car
Leaves.
My therapist puts her toilet paper roll on upside down, yet somehow I’m the crazy one?
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
My wife handles our kids like a boss. The only problem is she make me do it too 馃槀
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
me: the earth isn鈥檛 flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it鈥檚 the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn鈥檛 you?
Out of curiosity I decided to look at Pinterest, and I’ve decided it’s basically cyber-hoarding…
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Reaction when you try to get out of plans but the person keeps rescheduling so you can make it.
*releases swarm of killer wasps*
– ATTACK!
*wasps fly off harmlessly in all directions*
– Hmm… time for plan bee
[a bunch of henchmen just shit-talking the name Bruce]
(from the shadows) um Bruce is actually a really cool and good name
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*