I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
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Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
[at the gym]
Friend: This sauna is way too hot!
Me: *slowly slips on jean jacket* Is it cooler now?
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
Drumpf’s presidential campaign in reverse: an increasingly laughable story of an egomaniac running for an office he couldn’t possibly win
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”
God gave you alcohol, sex and music. Why do you all talk about politics?!
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
you’re never too old to achieve your dreams. prince charles is 73 and he just got his first job.
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
There should be a tv game show where couples have to scroll through every streaming service looking for something they both want to watch and if time runs out, they get divorced.
(Trying to scream over a construction worker’s jackhammer) YOU GUYS MAKIN A BUILDING?
Not in the turkey day spirit? Every time someone wishes you a Happy Thanksgiving just look them in the eye and say Gobble.
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
Boss: Stop copy and pasting responses from previous emails
Me: sounds good
Sent from my iPhone
Sent from my iPhone