I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
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My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
good let them take over I have had enough
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
Murder is like art, as long as you can bullshit your way into justifying it, someone out there will be like “oh yeah, I totally get it.”
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
if you comment “i am so turned on right now” to every political post, you can make it so no one wants to argue politics with you
Going into Monday like
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Spell check is for lasers.
MARRIED WHITE FEMALE in search of someone to remove holiday cookies and treats from her hands. Must be of strong constitution.
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
WHY WON’T THOSE FOOTBALL PLAYERS LISTEN TO THE EXCELLENT ADVICE MY HUSBAND IS SCREAMING AT THEM?
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
My wife just yelled at me for not warning her that I was about to sneeze if any of you are thinking of getting into a relationship.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.