I’m against the marriage of anyone whose first instinct is to film and then show the world their elaborate proposal.
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In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
God made humans, but only because there wasn’t anything good to watch on TV.
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
[45 minutes into Charlie and the Chocolate Factory]
7 year old: how does he still have a job?
I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
Food gives you energy to nap more.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Wife: Don’t use that Band-Aid. It’s expired.
Me: How can a Band-Aid possibly go bad?
*puts on Band-Aid*
*bursts into flames*
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
WIFE: Don’t be scared of him. Tell your boss you quit.
ME: Ok, I will.
[later that day]
ME: I quit
BOSS: WHAT??
ME: I said, nice squid
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
Instead of neutering my dog I just make him wear crocs.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Cashier: Will that be all?
Me: No, I have a bunch more stuff to get, I just wanted to show you what I’ve got so far.
Social norms ?
We grew up thinking it’s perfectly normal that Tom and Jerry were always naked and only wore swimsuits when at the beach.