the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
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a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men
Hate when Walmart doesn’t have what I need & I have to go home, change out of my pajamas & brush my hair so I can go to Target
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
*arriving home as my house burns down*
Firefighter: I’m sorry ma’am. Your boyfriend didn’t make it.
Me: I know. It was built in the 80’s.
[ quarantine, day 46 ]
me: this boredom is unbearable
my cat: ffs have you even tried getting into a box too smol for you
I hate when people text me: “Call me.”
I’m gonna start calling people and when they answer, I’m gonna say: “Text me” And then hang up.
*gets whistled at, but by traffic cop
The “give me your tired, your poor” quote under the statue of liberty makes sense, because that’s the nyc lifestyle. “you’re already broke and exhausted? great. you’ll love it here.”
Snail cop: So tell me about the sloth that attacked you.
Snail: It all happened so fast.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
My wife and I have different beliefs about death. I want to be cremated when I die, and she wants to cremate me now.
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
5-year-old: Do you know what I learned at school?
Me: What?
5: I was asking you. I don’t remember.
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
Me: I hate people.
H: I challenge you to say something positive.
Me: I’m positive I hate people.
My retirement plan is to buy several red polo shirts & anytime I need anything, go steal it from Target
I have laryngitis, and my kids have never been happier.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
Me: I got my first TOTD! It’s exciting!
Him: What’s that?
M: um, well, it’s an imaginary trophy…
H: well then I’m imaginary proud of you.
My son asked why some mommies and daddies live in different houses, so I sat him down and told him the truth… their kids complained about slow WiFi and never went to bed on time.