I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
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Me: Push!
Grandkids: But, you’re heavy.
Me: What did the sign say?
Grandkids: No children in shopping cart :((
Me: Rules are rules.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
MY DAD: Foreigners in this country need to learn English.
ALSO MY DAD: I heard you got a new hi-bird car.
❤️❤️❤️
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u
Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit
“I’m gonna make a cool new social media site for college kids, but only for a few years. Then it’ll be a mom scrapbook” ~ Mark Zuckerberg
anyone else like Italian cereal
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Me: the refrigerator wasn’t built for this
Her: all the food?
Me: no this penguin
Feed two birds with one scone?? Lol why would I give those dumb birds my tasty delicious scone? I’d sooner hit two birds with a rock or something than give them my lil treat
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
It’s sad how many people out there are not getting the lobotomy surgery they need
Well, this certainly took a turn
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood