[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
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You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
Like Grandma used to say, if it seems too good to be true buy as much of that shit as you can.
Grandma drank a lot. We miss her.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[first time at a rave]
These M&Ms make my hair follicles feel weird
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
Unpopular Star Wars theory:
R2-D2 actually speaks English throughout the franchise, but all we hear is beeps because he won’t stop cussing
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
Wife: We are lost
Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine
*Me getting pulled over*
Me:license and registration please?
Guy police officer :I pulled u over..
Me:do u really want to argue with me?
All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
My foot just now fell asleep which means I’ve finally gained its trust.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
so my mum bought a lamb for £20 so it doesn’t get killed tomorrow and is planning to keep her in the garden with the dogs???? Honestly wish I could say I’m surprised but it’s very her
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Today’s Tarot Card: Someone keeps reanimating you against your will.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is