I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life
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Do not go gentle into that good night,
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Date: So what do you do for fun?
Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
*puts bike helmet on 4*
my brain: now knock on it a coupla times
me: why?
brain: you just gotta
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Two hundred dollars for a women’s blazer?? Am I paying it to do the work for me??
Someone being big spoon for me is not enough. I need to get ladled.
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to x-men]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale