I’m always disappointed when a bio states ‘avi not me’ especially when it’s an animal or a cartoon.
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My parents are replacing their coffee machine, which is 7 years old.
Me: that’s not that old, I have sheets older than that.
Mother: well perhaps your sheets aren’t getting as much action as our coffee machine.
I’m going to need an ambulance.
I’m watching Dune at 40 like, “hope that white boy packed sun block.”
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
The person who pitched the puss in boots solo movie did so with ‘shrekless abandon.’
Officer: I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia. Man: No wait! I can explain everything!
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
I asked the barista for a dark roast and he told a joke about my dead relative.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
groan^2
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes.
I was 12.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
wife: the turn was back there
me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much
wife: my name is karen
me: ughh this is different, karen
People often mistake me for an adult because of my age
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Beep beep
Beep beep beep
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Road Runner and R2D2 having a conversation
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
How people walk when they’re:
DATING *holding hands*
ENGAGED *arms locked*
MARRIED *one person is 5 feet in front of the other and yelling back at them for parking so far away*
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”