@13spencer: I'm always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
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@truegritrumble: FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend? ME: She’s a real queen bee. FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure. *a faint buzzing from my pocket* ME: Dude, she’s right here.
@withanewname: Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy. Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
@flashember: [Ariel climbs Rapunzel's hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth] "There can only be one socially awkward Princess," she vows savagely.