I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
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COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
First week of my diet I gained 3 pounds. However, I found out if I stand further away from the mirror I look thinner.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
[group therapy]
“I always feel unnoticed”
NINJA: I hear ya
CHAMELEON: Same
GUY WITH CAMOUFLAGE PANTS: It’s like we’re all soulmates
if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
my last few brain cells clinging on for dear life
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
I wonder who the sorting hat will choose as the new Pope.
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!
‘THERE IS NO SHOUTING ON THE BUS!’ she shouted.
guys I was hanging out at a coffeeshop/bar/restaurant and you’ll never guess what but a perfect strawman of my political enemies presented a well-constructed example of why they suck, within earshot of where I was sitting!
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”