@mountainlex: I'm always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank
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@XplodingUnicorn: 3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me* Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt? Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
@KalvinMacleod: ME: I got pizza sauce on my mouse. I need a new one. IT DEPARTMENT: You should just be able to wipe it off. ME: Too late, I ate it.
@_TayTayJustine: How to flirt: 1. Giggle 2. Apply lip gloss 3. Look down coyly 4. Realize you applied concealer 5. Fall off barstool