you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
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Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who didn’t really want you to take a bite of the cookie he offered you
Getting caught doing nothing is NOT an option
“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
I covered my boyfriend’s laptop in melted cheese and now he’s really mad at me. I mean, what did he expect when he asked for Mac and cheese?
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Me: I wish I had an egg and cheese biscuit.
Husband: McDonald’s sells breakfast all day.
Me, feigning surprise: They do?
Husband: Yes, want me to go?
Me: That is so sweet you don’t have to.
Husband: But I want to!And that is how marriage works.
[INT. STARBUCKS – DAY]
Me: Theres a large rat in the bathroom
Barista: ?
Me: A large rat
Barista: ?
Me: THERES A VENTI RAT IN THE BATHROOM
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
🎵 You make me feel like I’ve been locked out of heaven 🎵
Jesus: “We talked about this, Lucifer.”
The five second rule for food dropped on the floor means something else when you have a dog.
Why is it called a corn maze, when we could just call it a maize?
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
6-year-old: Is it cold outside?
Me: Yeah. You should put on a sweater.
6: I should stay home.
Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
my uncle walked in to chistmas, filled a plate, ate in a separate room, and left. he was here 4 minutes