@mrtruthandsoul: I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
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@notacroc: [at a bar] CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
@DaddyJew: Boss:my office, now! Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter B:we've had a sexual harassment complaint M:Oh thank God!