@mrtruthandsoul: I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
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@thenatewolf: *Shoves a guy* I think you mean the SECOND biggest "The Sound of Music" fan on earth, bro.
@matt___nelson: Shoe store employee on phone w/ wife: "Yea honey I should be home just in time for dinner" *centipede walks in* "You've got to be kiddin me"
@yobrah_: [describing criminal to sketch artist] His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth