@mrtruthandsoul: I'm always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
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@jjax44: I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone's like "New sandwich?"
@bourgeoisalien: At what point in listening to your kid whine can you say, "Sorry. This relationship isn't working out. You should start seeing other moms."
@Reverend_Scott: Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There's No Dinosaurs In This.
@GrabTheWEness: *posts Social Security number on social media* *hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*