I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
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Things to know before you date me:
1. I party
2. The doctor forgot to cut my umbilical cord so my mom has to come
Called the plumber today to come fix my toilet but had to play it off like I didn’t know how all those wine corks got down there, so I blamed the cat.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.
If I have to be awake, everyone has to be awake.
– birds
As the pair of scissors steps up to the starting line, the other runners quickly realize that this race just got a whole lot more dangerous.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
A lady at WartMart said I smelled fruity and asked what fragrance I was wearing. I didn’t have the heart to tell her I missed my mouth with a slushie so I pointed to a random body spray
Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
Reporter: Can you stop poking my chest?
Me: But your badge says ‘press’
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
GIVE ME FUEL GIVE ME FIRE GIVE ME MILK THAT’S NOT EXPIRED
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
Dear whoever chalks my final outline… A little off the belly would be much appreciated.