@DBMaxP: I'm an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
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@TheAlexNevil: Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her "insurance would call" me. Someones still carrying a torch!
@nbadag: FRIEND: get our wedding invitation? ME: i did, somebody hand wrote 'do not bring pan flute' F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
@MartaEffing: I hate when I catch a bouquet at a wedding and everyone judges me for lighting it on fire.
@thenoahkinsey: *therapist writes in pad* Me: Sometimes I feel like people don't notice me- *therapist jumps* Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?