I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
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the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
In an alternate universe, people in horror movies make fun of our choices.
No one is full of more false hope than a parent bringing a chair to the beach.
My daughter looked me dead in the eye and said “Daddy, no matter what.. We gotta keep going and hope to see another day.” I just wanna know what the hell they got going on in her pre-k that’s so stressful that she came across that saying
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Meet me in bed
To learn something newPfff….poetry is easy
I didn’t choose this melted cheese and tortilla chip life, it na-chose me
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
Someone broke into my house last night and left a note saying they’d broken one of my keyboard keys.
I onder hich one.
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
(Gaming support cat.)
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
1800’s ship captain: This expedition will be the most dangerous undertaking and we all may well perish on the journey. We should bring a monkey with us. It will live in my room.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho