I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
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Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
“you changed, bro” yeah no shit i’m a cockroach. please help me out of bed
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
PERSON: Your baby is so cute
ME: Oh thank you
PERSON: They’re gonna be a real heartbreaker!
ME: Oh I hope not but thanks
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON:
ME:
PERSON: They’re going to devastate everyone who ever loves them
ME: Okay we gotta go now
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
“Do you need help with your math homework Billy?”
“Yeah I sure do Dad!”
“Well you’re shit out of luck”
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
When watching an action movie with your spouse make sure to say things like… “Oh yeah right,” and “that could never happen.” This way, they know you are fully present.
Starting a new job today.
I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
“I’d like to make a toast.”
– piece of toast telling her toast husband she wants to start a family
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*stands on one foot*
Cop: ok first of all, ow
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
Unfortunately a recent breakthrough in therapy means I must say goodbye to my comfort swords, my acceptance machete, and my protection bomb.
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical