@MandiAtRandom: I'm an early bird and a night owl, so I'm basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
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@meatlobes: Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
@TomTheWicked: Boss: What's for lunch? Me: Food. B: What kind of food? M: The kind you eat. B: ... M: ... B: ... Me: You hired me. This is your fault.
@SteveSackington: If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher, where would you hide it?
@hazelmotes1: I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love's first kiss.