I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
You Might Also Like
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Sometimes I wonder what ever happened to people who asked me for directions.
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
Real House Wines.
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
My bra as colander, catching stray food since age 15.
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
My husband and I love to play “who can pile the most into the trash can without taking it out” and I can assure there are no winners her. Just cursing, garbage covered losers
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
How to woo a woman
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*